These lawyer  jokes are part of a new project I am starting in collecting jokes from the web for various professionals such as doctors, dentists, businessmen and women, Priests, Rabbi's and other men of the cloth and more. Purpose is for people to use these jokes on their websites to create a smile on the face of their patients and customers. If you need jokes for a certain profession, email me and I'll see what I can do. meanwhile, PLEASE vote on this and at least 9 other of my guides that you think have given you some knowledge, it really is appreciated and may the God - Creator of the Universe Bless you and yours for a wonderful & productive life!

A Marriage Made in Heaven

A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."

Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."

Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."

The couple got married.

Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Overcoming Your Sins

A lawyer stood at the gate to Heaven. St. Peter was patiently explaining that the man's sins were far too many and serious to allow for admission into heaven.

"Sir, surely you don't deny that you routinely overcharged your clients. That you cheated on your wife with your law clerks and associates -- and that you used your position as a partner to pressure those clerks and associates into becoming involved with you. Surely you don't deny that you deliberately took false positions in court in order to win cases, where any sense of ethics would have caused you to settle. And there's so much more here, why surely...."

The lawyer interrupted, "Yes, yes, I know all of that. But I've done some charity in my life as well."

St. Peter looked in his book and noted,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer looked smug. He replied, "Yes."

St. Peter turned to the angel next to him and said, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

The Priest

After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome," St. Peter said, "You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your quarters, and then I'll show you around Heaven."

St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagent, but he was happy to be there.

They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.

Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It drove off.

"Was that God," the priest asked, stunned by the display.

"Oh heavens no," replied St. Peter. "That was a lawyer."

"I don't want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?" The priest continued, "I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don't understand what that lawyer did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion."

"It isn't what he did," St. Peter replied. "You see, we have thousands upon thousands of priests up here. But he's our first lawyer.

Lawyer Joke

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Lawyer Joke

Q: What is a contingent fee?

A: A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your suit, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.

Lawyer Joke

A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. "Listen honey," she said, "For $50, I'll do absolutely anything you want."

The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, "Paint my house."

Taking it With You

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.