Ladies and Gentleman, lend me your eyes, for the following tips on what not to do on your honeymoon could save that lovely trip to Tuscany or Arizona from being the last you ever make together. How would you explain that to the parents-in-law? Indeed!

So where to start? Obviously with the groom of course, for some of the most notorious disasters have occurred because old Harry couldn't keep his hands to himself, whether intentionally or not. Take the story of the newly-weds from Bristol in England, who went to Venice for their honeymoon only to end up travelling home separately because the husband mistook a pretty Italian lady for his wife during an evening classical concert. Then there's the tale of the Cunningham's who went to Florida where the bride spent a week trying to coax the groom away from the Golf on television. Not surprisingly their marriage ended in divorce when a golf club was found impaled into his car windscreen.

1. The most important rule is focus entirely on your new wife throughout the honeymoon and try to make it a time to remember for both of you. That means averting your eyes when you see a beautiful maid, air hostess or worst of all that scrumptious belle at the reception desk. Your lady is to be treated like a princess!

2. Turn the television off. Unless your new wife is a wildlife documentary fanatic like your Aunt Silvia, then she will certainly not appreciate you spending most of the time admiring the birds and the bees. Take her out and spoil her rotten! Talk, talk and dance some more.

3. Your personal hygiene does not take a honeymoon at the same time as you. This means cleanliness must be kept to a high standard at all times. Take regular showers, comb your hair, use some expensive scents, clean under your finger nails and clean your hands after every lavatory visit! Your new wife may love you but she will suddenly loose all desire to make your nights a volcanic eruption of hotel-rocking love making if you smell like the local donkey herder.

4. Make sure you have everything organised before you embark on your honeymoon, that means the hotel booked, the transport arranged, the maps checked, the bank account topped up and any medical and insurance documents up to date. It is the husband's job to look after all these mundane but very important necessities. Your lovely wife will not look so pleasant if you're stranded on a deserted forest road when the sun is quickly setting, nor will your cheeks when she has given you her opinion of your organisation skills.

5. It's highly amusing to break wind with the lads and to compete to see who can belch the loudest. However on your honeymoon you do not want to bring these disgusting habits into the bedroom or wherever you are enjoying those romantic sparks. After years of marriage the wife will surrender to your bowl movements but she won't stick around if you cannot put a cork in it. If you have wind problems, then take some medicine with you that are widely available from all good chemists or alternatively keep it locked until you have a private moment.

Ladies, you might at this point be full of mirth but now its your turn!

1. Let the man take control. You might be a highly successful business woman in charge of a Multinational Corporation or the Chief of Police in your region but let the traditional gender roles work their magic during the honeymoon period. A man likes to feel in control and to be the protector, none more so than in your first few weeks as a married couple. It will certainly reap rewards later on, most of the time.

2. Do not talk about your past boyfriends or husbands during the honeymoon. This is the equivalent of your husband watching ladies tennis all afternoon. It will affect his pride, his confidence, his patience and will suck the romance and passion out of the room in no time. Keep those types of memories for when you are back at home, when the man can hide in the shed or better yet, for your girlfriends.

3. A man's mother will be sharing the title of most important woman in his life with you but that does not mean he wants a mother figure during the honeymoon. Refrain from complaining about his dining habits, smelling his dirty socks, talking to him like he is an imbecile or cleaning behind his ears, especially when out in public. Keep the romantic and sexual chemistry at boiling point, after all that is what the traditional honeymoon is all about.

Remember these basic rules and your special time alone together should remain a wonderfully vivid memory for the rest of your lives. Above all, enjoy yourselves!

Edward Beaman-Hodgkiss
Beaman's Bazaar